I am falling apart

I fucked up my shoulder the other day

I wish I had a good story behind it, like landing on it while leaping from the third-story window of a burning building with a baby under each arm, or while plowing into a purse snatcher who has just ripped off a bag containing the life savings of a generous 80-year-old widow, or while blasting through the two-hole past the left tackle, shaking off a linebacker and leaping into the end zone during a Chicago Bears open try-out for over-35 high school football has-beens and never-wases.

Even better would be some sort of tale of sexual gymnastics: ‘Well, there I was, hanging from the trapeze. We’d just gotten the llama into position and the vat of chocolate pudding had reached exactly 82 degrees when she was startled by the mariachi band and BAM! I hit the floor and busted my shoulder. Boy was I embarrassed!”

Yeah, I WISH I had a good story, but I don’t. No, I fucked up my shoulder while lying in bed. Watching television.

Go ahead and laugh and call me a pathetic loser. I would, too, if it wasn’t me I was talking about. I mean, dislocating a shoulder lying in bed? What kind of brittle-boned, out-of-shape, Krispy Kreme-scarfing, freak show edition fat bastard dislocates his shoulder just lying in bed?

Me, I guess. OK, clarification: I am not a fat, donut-eating Jerry Springer watching lazy bum, nor am I a calcium-deficient milquetoast who gets nose bleeds from playing Stratego too hard. I work out three days a week, lifts weights, can run a 5K, am faster than a speeding bullet, more power than a…, etc., etc., etc. Which makes this all the more confusing and embarrassing.

I was simply lying in bed, watching some stupid comedian on television. Actually she was fucking hilarious, which is why it happened in the first place. I was lying there, resting my head on my hand and propping myself up on my elbow, when she said something particularly funny. I can’t remember exactly what it was, either her line about “… Once you go (Puerto) Rican, your parents start freakin’” or “To get a black man to eat out a woman, you have to stick a chicken leg down there…” (To be fair, she made fun of EVERYBODY in the audience: white suburban soccer moms, black women, old white men, gays). Whatever line it was, it made me laugh out loud, and in the process, I jerked myself backward, twisting my shoulder and pulling it right out of the socket. I stopped laughing immediately and instinctively A) tried to work it back into place and B) felt extremely stupid for hurting myself in a less-than-impressive manner.

I jumped up immediately and sort of shook the arm back into place then checked it to make sure it was fully functioning I did a couple of slow windmill motions, waggled it around like an excited chicken. It hurt a little and made some crunching, grinding noises. But as long as I could move it I was relieved.

But it still kinda freaked me out a bit when it happened because it was so unexpected and so disorienting. Like, one minute you’re there with all of your joints intact and working, a fully functioning human being, with your kick-ass opposable thumb and your walking upright and all that shit. The next minute, a piece of you is out of place, your arm freakishly dislodged like a busted G.I. Joe after your sister plays “G.I. Joe and Barbie Fight Over The Barbie Dream Car and Barbie Kicks G.I. Joe’s Ass.”

Being wary of doctors and hospitals and modern medicine in general, I have relied on the tried and true “homeopathic” method of recovery, i.e. leaving it alone and hoping it will fix itself. I’ve enlisted a very specific and scientific regimen. I’ve cut down on the amount of weight I’m lifting, applied various creams and ointments and tried not to sleep on it funny. And I’ve looked up stuff on the web, which is just as good as going to a real doctor… right? My shoulder has gotten slightly better over time. I can lift my arm over my head again and actually lift things. You don’t know how much you miss lifting things until you, well, can’t lift them.

I still haven’t figured out what the fuck happened. I’ve had problems with my left shoulder since knocking it out of whack during high school football practice. Could bum shoulders be hereditary? Sickle Shoulder Anemia?

Anyway, I expect to break a hip while simply sitting in a chair any day now.