Ann Coulter's (Possibly) Bizarre Sex Life

OK, I know it’s like beating the crap out of a dead horse, but is it OK to label Ann Coulter officially insane now? Is there paperwork required for this, or can we just come to a consensus.

When I first became aware of the ultraconservative commentator, from her appearances on the old ABC-TV version of “Politically Incorrect” (I never caught the cable episodes), I quickly came to the conclusion that she was just an arrogant, ball-busting know-it-all with a low tolerance for anyone who disagreed with her. Fair enough. I’ve known people like that all my life. Hell, I almost WAS one of those people (without the conservative part … conservatism is boring). And after seeing a few more of her appearances, I racheted up my opinion of her to “intolerable shrill harpy with man-hands”. Again, no problem. Been there, argued with that.

But since then?…Well, let’s just say I now realize that "dat bitch is fucking CRAZY, with a capital CRA!"

Her wacko levels have been off the charts for sometime now and most people with at least two functioning brain cells acknowledge this. But as much as people rant about her being a couple of roaches short of a nickel bag, she continues to probe new heights of nutballery, seeming to feed off the outcry like Dracula off the blood of virgins. Her recent attempt to label 9/11 widows as “witches” was not only unexpected (even for her) but hypocritical. Everybody knows full well that had those same widows come out and praised Dubya as the greatest thing since buttless chap, she would have hailed them as patriots and offered to spit-shine their silverware. But her latest wild-eyed proclamation is particularly bananas in light of what the entire COUNTRY knows about the subject.

She called Bill Clinton a fag.

OK, to her credit she didn’t say “fag” exactly, but everyone KNOWS she wanted to use that word, just as it’s obvious she’s been chomping at the bit to say “nigger” and “spic” to drive her point about liberals home. I would love to be a fly on her pristine white apartment walks at night to here her finally let it all out at night (“Goddamn fucking niggers and spics and wops and faggots and dykes and.. oh, that felt good.”)

And it’s not so much her suggestion that Clinton’s gay as it is the reason she thinks so. According to her, the former Commander in Chief is akin to an interior decorator because he likes the idea of sex with women. A lot. Which would mean most of the professional athletes in America, almost every male rock star, four out of every five Italian race car drive and your nephew Danny with the extensive magazine collection under his bed are all potential replacements for the policeman in The Village People.

This leap of logic (of which she holds a world record for I believe) actually says more about HER sexual habits that Clinton’s. Look, everyone knows the guy’s a major swordsman. If it wasn’t for Hillary yanking his collar like he was an overly inquisitive pug, he’d be on the cover of People every week hugging up with a different American Idol finalist. I’ve always thought Hill and Bill would be the first former presidential couple to get a divorce, so strong is his appetite for the ol’ poon tang.

But for her to conclude that because he’s on the hunt for the kitty cat and has a couple of notches on his ample belt he secretly desires to be tea-bagged… well, even a nun would laugh at say, “Damn, bitch, what YOU been smokin’?”

She says the tip off is his “rampant promiscuity”, which leads me to ask: Is there any other kind of promiscuity? Is it still promiscuity if you show restraint? Is there such a thing as “well-measured promiscuity”? Carefully thought-out promiscuity? Isn’t promiscuity, by the very definition of the word, SUPPOSED to be rampant? And what does she know about Clinton’s sex life that qualifies as “rampant” or “promiscuous”? Yeah, we’ve heard about the trailer trawling and assorted accusations here and there. And not all of those were actual conquests but maybe him playing a little grab-ass with some “political aide” who was really an in-way-over-her-head diner waitress. But even if we were to double the ones we know about, it would STILL either equal or fall short of the mattress-squeaking output of most men his age.

But OK, Ann, he’s “promiscuous”…fine. It’s her conclusion that a man who likes sex with women a lot is gay open up all KINDS of weird tuna cans in the kitchen that is Ann Coulter’s sex life. What the hell is going on in HER bed, besides playing with herself to Rush Limbaugh podcasts, that leads her to connect sex frequency with sexual preference? Is this a glimpse into the chaste world Ann Coulter, one of firm handshakes at the door, polite offers of drinks being interpreted as blatant sexual come-ons (“A margarita? How DARE you!”)? Did her mom make the mother in “Carrie” look permissive? Having sex a lot = gay… hmmm.

I’d always thought, when she’s not thinking up new insulting names for liberals, that at some point in her life, Ann Coulter does have actual sex. With a human being, or at least someone from her home planet. But now, I’m not so sure. No one who has and enjoys sex, even the monogamous kind, can nod their head in agreement that having frequent sex means you have an unnatural obsession with yourself and therefore want to be with someone of your same sex and … my head is starting to hurt.

Coulter reminds me of those women I occasionally run into in bars: not exactly horrible looking (well I have had a few JW Reds), seemingly intelligent. They’re sitting there, usually by themselves, which should be a tip off. The conversation starts. You make small talk about some innocuous topic, when she calmly says something like, “Well, that’s only because it’s part of the Jewish/Chinese conspiracy.” Huh? Really? The designated hitter? Um, I have to, um, go over here now…

And then there is her well-documented obsession with Clinton, mentioning his name at every opportunity, in every book she, ahem, “writes”, during every interview, every column she scrawls out. She mouths his name with every discussion of everything past, present and future in this country. She… hey, wait a minute. Where have I seen this before? One person constantly badgering another member of the opposite sex, taunting them, teasing them, vehemently denying any attraction to them… I got it! Fifth grade… Wayne Terrell and Mary Finnigan… Sr. Paula’s class. On the playground. In the lunch line. Of course!

Coulter has a crush on Bill!

Ann and Billy sitting in a tree…

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Actually, it sounds like you have a crush on Ann Coulter