Gotta have it

Who owns these things and when do they use them?:

A home cotton candy machine. Who eats that much cotton candy that they have to have it even when they’re at home? When are you eating this crap, while watching the news? “Hey, honey, you know what I could go for right now? Some spun sugar would really hit the spot.”

Those chocolate fountain things. Same as above.

A countertop hot dog roller grill that only makes hot dogs. Nothing else. How many hot dogs does the owner of one of these eat in a year? Why waste precious counter space or cabinet space in your kitchen with a machine that just makes hot dogs?

Portable DVD players. Other than on an airplane, where would you use it? At the beach? YouÂ’ve got sand, surf and bikini-clad women? Why are you watching a movie, you anti-social bastard? Go home if you want to do that. In the park? Hello! Nature over here! God wasted his time making this stuff so you could watch “Elf” in the park? On the bus? Hey, bozo, you’re gonna be home in 10 minutes, turn that stupid thing off. And here’s the kicker: the portable DVD player I’m looking at in the paper has a remote control. A remote control??? How much of a lazy ass do you have to be to need a remote control for a portable DVD player with an 8-inch screen? “Oh, man, the DVD player is all the way down on the other end OF MY LAP. Can’t … reach… it… Thank God I have this remote control.”